This group chat is for those who want to start 2025 as they mean to go on with the support of others on the same journey.

Join the chat

How it works

• This group is designed for anyone who wants to ignite or rekindle their creative spark, whether you’re an artist, writer, entrepreneur, or simply curious about exploring your creative potential.

• Over 12 weeks, we’ll dive into the book’s 12 chapters, engaging in activities such as Morning Pages, Artist Dates, and reflective exercises.

• Each week, we’ll read one chapter. We’ll check in with each other and set intentions for the next week.

The hardest part of this process is sticking to the Morning Pages, finding ideas for and putting in the time to do Artist Dates and getting through the uncomfortable exercises.

This group is here to offer accountability and support to anyone that wants it.

Join the chat

Nobody grew more than me last year. As a student of all things esoteric, I can tell you with confidence that 2024 was a year of deep transformation. I went from passionately anticipating a promotion in my product design 9 to 5, to not opening the Figma app in months to now building a startup through an accelerator programme full-time. Start of 2024, I was a shell of myself and was largely unfocused; start of 2025, things have never been more clear and I have unbridled confidence in myself. And with such massive change, as is to be expected, some bonds have been broken.

One of the things last year taught me is to not despise any version of myself no matter the decisions they made and the behaviour they allowed. They did their best with the information they had and it has all lead to being to me being the person I am right now (who I love very much).

Living life with regrets is a waste of energy. Reflection on the other hand, in just the right amounts when appropriate to do so, will always be my bag.

Here are a few things I learned about how relationships —familial, platonic and romantic, break.

Water seeks its level

Any relationship with an inequitable dynamic is destined to fail. Humans are healthiest when maintaining equilibrium. Enough work, enough play. Enough exercise, enough rest. Enough faith, enough evidence. Enough style, enough substance. Balance.

Whether the two people in an inequitable dynamic choose to acknowledge it or not, the relationship will become a problem. One person cannot always be giving while the other receives. One person cannot keep growing while the other remains stagnant. One person cannot be the one to always listen while the other speaks. And it’s usually a combination of multiple things that creates distance. In this space, resentment grows, usually by both parties.

Human beings are prone to finding familiar dynamics. We feel safe and it works until we are no longer growing at the same rate or in the same areas. The tether is due to disconnect sooner or later no matter how tightly you hold on. I recommend letting go as soon as you recognise the discomfort (you know what that feels like, c’mon) or until you find yourself on ChatGPT seeking permission to cut them off (🫣).

Healthy relationships are not built on foundations of trauma

Whether it’s trauma bonding in a romantic relationship or building a friendship based on similar experiences you relate with, the relationship cannot be healthy. Trauma recurs when it is not processed by the body. This is most common when a child who doesn’t have the ability to understand adult concepts is not helped with processing and regulating. A parent who shouts at a child but doesn’t come back to apologise and affirm that wasn’t about you and you didn’t deserve it. Seeking safety, the mind and body makes the wrong connections, usually internalising it.

I used to belong to the group of people who would actively analyse and pick apart this unprocessed trauma in an attempt to understand it; ruminating on it, reliving it, constantly seeking answers to questions like “why did that happen to me?”. I’d find other people like this and our conversations would be spent reopening old wounds. Forming complicated attachments to something that should be moved through and moved on from. Perpetuating suffering.

I initiated my year of therapy because I wanted to enjoy my life. After literally googling “how to be happy” and coming across Mo Gawdats Solve for Happy series on YouTube, I knew it was possible to have positive feelings about work, fun-filled friendships that aren’t so heavy all the time, romantic relationships that felt safe, and an inner world that was peaceful and I wanted that for myself. After doing this hard, expensive work with a professional, why would I want to go back there? When trauma is no longer on the table as a topic of conversation, is there still commonality?

Death to authenticity by tiny cuts of self-betrayal

A massive betrayal by another person often follows many instances of self-betrayal in an effort to maintain the relationship. You didn’t really like how they spoke about their other friend to you but you let it run because they were emotional and you never addressed it because the moment passed. Their reaction in a situation they recounted reeked of avoidance and manipulation and is dead wrong but it’s their life, what’s your own.

Subscribe now

I’ve always found my judgement muscle a difficult one to flex. Who likes feeling judged, and why should I be judging my friends of all people? If I cut off everyone for every little thing I didn’t agree with, would I even have any friends? Who am I to judge when I’m not perfect?

What it comes down to is what it always comes down to — strict boundaries.

We teach people how they can behave around us and what we will allow from them. This doesn’t mean we have to play their therapist. We don’t have to become life coaches. We don’t need to make them feel bad. We don’t even need to cut them off completely. We just need to make our standards abundantly clear. You know when your mum doesn’t even need to say anything, she just gives you a side-eye.

Relationships cannot be safe-havens for nonsense. You have to rate the people you love. Even when they make mistakes, the way that they go about rectifying it has to align with your values. We owe no one but ourselves blind loyalty and even then, loyalty also looks like holding ourselves accountable when we need to. How else will we grow?

To conclude

There’s no way to predict bad behaviour from the people we choose to love. We cannot prevent pain nor disappointment. We’re constantly just gathering information about each other; seeing what we like and what we don’t like. Seeing what works and what doesn’t.

When it works, be present with it —enjoy it.

When it doesn’t, open your eyes or they will be opened for you.

Happy New Year to all my readers! I have a great feeling about this one.

-Valerie

I’ve never been more sure that I’m on the right path while being not-so sure of myself. I came up with the idea of Koie Solutions, my design consultancy while founding BGIT which was reinforced again while working at my latest corporate role. The premise being a lot of people who have great ideas need systems and processes to sustain them so that the talented people within these businesses have room to do their thing successfully. There’s so much energy waste when the right questions aren’t being asked of senior management and the business isn’t looked at from a holistic standpoint. A random decision in product isn’t consolidated in marketing and nothing makes sense. Of course in the angst of burnout, I’m going to dream of the perfect escape.

A year later, now that I’m no longer the person who needs that escape, I’m stuck with the plans of a version of myself that no longer exists. The business of Valerie is under new management and we’re confused at what the last people got up to. It’s not necessarily a failure because I didn’t invest too much money or energy into the pursuit. The resistance in fulfilling the plans should’ve been enough to tell me I did not want to do it. I was forcing and shoulding rather than being and wanting. If anything, it’s a huge lesson in awareness and allowing things to flow. I think I’ll eventually get back to it but it’ll be more natural and make a lot more sense when I do. I can’t see the rest of the path but I know I’m on the right one.

Businesses business themselves

On another note, my beliefs on business have evolved. Businesses business themselves. Startups are supposed to be a mess and bureaucracy only gets in the way and delays things. While I thought I was fixing an issue across the board, it was actually me that is not meant for that type of environment. And many people are not me. Businesses, like people, will always be a product of their environment and the people that make them. For every type of culture you’ll find people that thrive. It’s meant to be that way. We can’t all be the same. Like people, they’re not supposed to be perfect, they’re meant to be peculiar. And I think there’s something special about a story unique to a particular business. I’m going to continue reading my books and I’m still building Jolt Club but work wise, I’m working on finding strategies that help my brain and finding more chill, process-driven environments.

Those who can’t do, teach?

With maturity a lot of my delusion has been confronted. I can see the sheer drive and intensity it takes to bring a vision out of your scalp to life and being real, there’s nothing in life I feel that intensely about, especially not so much as to devote my limited energy reserves to. Anytime I have a great idea, and I’m stimulated to bring it to life, the desire lasts 2.5 days max. It feels as though someone else entirely came up with the idea, that’s how detached I feel.

I do believe, however, that that level of intensity and desire is something that needs to be managed. Everywhere looks the same while you’re deep in the water. You might need someone to pull you up every so often and steer you in the right direction. I believe that’s valuable. And I believe I’d be great at it. Something to think about.

Leaving my safety net

The one thing I know I’m meant to do but currently am not is sharing this journey. I’m not meant to be so cocooned and self-involved as I have been over the past 10 years. It’s been necessary to decondition and align myself correctly to the most authentic version but enough. Wrapping myself with myself feels safe until I start suffocating and probably dragging others with me too. Grateful for all who have been bearing with me and me for loving myself.

I’ve done one full year of talk therapy with an amazing therapist and it’s truly been great but again, enough. The most important lessons I needed to learn were emotional regulation and dealing with intrusive, impulsive thoughts when anxious, letting thoughts pass rather than acting on them, my relationships with men and women, and coming to terms with my ADHD diagnosis. There probably is still some work to do but I need to live in order to have something to talk about which requires action not thinking.

I see this blog becoming less sombre. I see myself exploring more topics on wellness, lifestyle, opinion. I see myself writing a lot more. And fulfilling the mission. Gathering all the stories from far and near because they’re all important.

Zero is infinite

Ultimately lack of execution should be scarier than failure. Zero is an exciting place to be. I can do anything; write a book, film a documentary, become an actress. Now that I’ve left corporate and a standard vision of success, the possibilities are endless. Exciting.

Zero doesn’t mean nothing. Zero means energy is there. But it is in a static form. It’s not doing anything, it’s sitting ... I want to intervene and break it and let it to be transformed into things.

Rasheed Araeen

As always thanks for reading,

I can’t say I had much of a plan for uni. I just wanted to do everything fast while I still had age on my side. When you’re young and brilliant, the potential people see in you goes a long way. You can depend on it. Throughout secondary school my dad would say to me “you want to move so quickly, do you even have direction? Do you even know where you’re going?” In uni my strategy came to a head and my dad’s words hit me like a truck. Here I was in a place where everyone around me is young, brilliant and full of potential and they (seemingly) know who they are and what they want. Who am I? What do I want for myself and for my career?

Throughout my childhood I lived two lives. I was one of those 98th percentile children that had to do very little to achieve a lot. “So long as I understand it, I’m good. I don’t need to study”, I’d say which was really undiagnosed ADHD kicking my ass as I forgot to do class projects and left homework at home while still producing what I needed to in exams to be top of my class. At home, I was an artist; writing, singing, dancing, designing, creating. I dreamt of owning multiple businesses and being in the corner glass office working as a Really Important Person at a Really Cool Place; signing approvals, telling people where to go and what to do. I saw my artistry as a means to get the capital to start my entrepreneurial journey —Rihanna took a play out of my book. I assumed I’d somehow be discovered before uni even became a conversation.

When that didn’t happen and suddenly I was being asked to choose a course and music and business weren’t “viable options”, I was confused. The four years of my undergraduate studies show just that. Confusion. I spent most of my time doing anything but the Science degree I resigned to after not getting medicine. I prioritised my dance crew over redoing my HPAT. I was a videographer, graphic designer, hair braider, youtuber, photographer, band member, blogger; I did anything and everything under the sun, while barely attending my course classes. I took business and law electives, still dreaming of that glass, corner office. I remember walking around a third year law careers fair deflated and confused because I did not have any idea what my future would look like.

And still-undiagnosed ADHD (misdiagnosed as anxiety) was seriously kicking my ass and my mental health.

When, now 21, I was encouraged to pursue a master’s degree in business that was previously deemed “unviable” as “you don’t need to study business to have a business”, I knew I could no longer make decisions based on the vision of me others saw. I had to start making decisions for myself because I was the only one that would live them out. Still compliant, I went ahead and did the master’s, still not knowing I had ADHD, thinking I struggled with my science degree as much as I did because I didn’t enjoy it and hoping that because I was interested in business, it wouldn’t be so difficult. I planned to be present, to make more friends than I had in my undergraduate degree and really enjoy the experience.

Thanks for reading Taking Shape. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This was the first semblance of an aligned strategy I had when it came to my education and my career. While I still struggled because you can’t will yourself out of neurodivergence especially one you don’t even know about, I was infinitely more present than I was in my undergraduate degree. I think the single act of being present in my own life changed things for me. Rejected from strategy consulting, I discovered that there was a career that combined psychology, business and creative design and started my campaign into UX design. Within three days of sharing my work, I acquired my first freelance client. A global pandemic hit. I moved back home. I co-founded Black Girls in Tech. I got my first full-time UX role. I moved to London. I got my ADHD diagnosis. Then my next role as a product designer. I co-founded Jolt Club. I’ve been pushing and pushing wanting to do great things for myself while I’m still young.

Until earlier this year my dad’s words hit me once again. You want to move so quickly, do you even have direction? Do you even know where you’re going?

And then life hit me. I didn’t stop —I was stopped. I became painfully aware that once again I was on a path that was not mine. It gave me some things I wanted —comfort, respect, stability; all of these things at the cost of my authenticity. At the cost of my happiness; my sense of internal safety; my confidence; my self esteem. I became a shell of myself. After 10 years of living a life that wasn’t for me, my body and mind shut down completely. And I knew whatever strategy I had been following up until now was not working for me because I had no idea who me was. I had strayed so far away from the girl writing songs in her bedroom. The girl who tried any and every business during uni. The girl that never wanted to live a conventional life.

Over the past 7 months, I’ve been lucky enough to be able to stop everything and first of all heal my neurodivergent burnout after ten years of pushing physically, emotionally, mentally, in my education, in my career, in my relationships. I started therapy and ADHD strategy coaching which were absolutely invaluable. It was heartbreaking to realise how much of my life has not been mine. How many decisions I was making based on triggers I had no idea I had. Based on self-concepts I didn’t know I held. To be confronted with these core wounds directly was fucking painful.

Share

Next was resetting my baseline. Getting better sleep, healing my gut, starting regular physical exercise. A lot of these I’m still working on but I’m so much better than I used to be. I worked on shaping what work would look like whenever I was ready to fully go back again by taking some smaller projects that have shown me what self-advocacy looks like. I’ve become great at expressing, asserting and affirming my own boundaries.

Finally, I’ve been getting to know myself. Around my 27th birthday I was reading ‘Becoming an Empowered Projector’ by Evelyn Levenson and it felt like someone was dissecting my entire life. I’ll soon write more about my now three-year study of Human Design and how it helps me in my deconditioning process but this book was a powerful catalyst in taking getting to know myself to the next level. I’ve also been reading ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron and going through the 12-week programme which has really helped me get back into my creative flow. I’ll write about this experience once I’ve completed the process but it’s been great so far. Being able to write and share this article is itself a testament to how far I’ve come.

I had the most perfect day the day before writing this. I took myself on an Artist’s Date. I went out to a Sunday flower market, I ate at a pub, I randomly met and enjoyed the company of an amazing woman who could be a future version of me. A fiery business woman with a big heart, travelling the world marketing her new project —a tequila brand in her case, hanging out at fashion week with her daughter who is her best friend, doing life her way. Having her way because she knows what that is. I don’t know all of me just yet but I know that’s what I want. I know that’s what I want it to feel like.

It’s funny that 10 years later I still want the same thing. I’m still living to be free. To do things my way.

The last 10 years have been a journey into becoming a version of myself that can give me exactly that. There have been low lows that have accompanied high highs, but they’ve all shaped me into being the version of myself that will take the next 10 years —and the rest of my life, by storm. I’m extremely grateful to myself for choosing me. I cannot thank me enough.

As I sit alone as a just-turned 27 year old in the double-room of my East London flat share trying to figure out what my next move is for my life’s work —whether that be strategy consulting or product management or diving completely into my artistry or entrepreneurship, I’m recommitting to myself. To expressing every part of myself without shame. To being happily present because I’m living in the consequences of decisions I intentionally make rather than desperately racing forward trying to achieve meaningless accomplishments by a specific age.

I can’t predict the future. What’s coming for me will most likely be ten times greater than anything I can imagine for myself. What I do know of my direction and where I’m going is that it is completely by me and sincerely for me. Nothing else would be worth living.

Thanks for reading,

Leave a comment

I keep being reminded of loss; I feel guilty because from the outside looking in this might not be real loss. I haven’t lost a thing but instead placed it somewhere it can (seemingly) easily be picked up again should I wish to while what’s lost to others is, at the very least, inaccessible in this lifetime. What I know is that I either lost it 20 years ago or I never had it in the first place. I’m constantly mourning the loss of something I never even had and how much it has limited my belief that I deserve to have it or anything at all.

I’m keenly aware of the transitional space I’m currently in with no sure idea of what I’m supposed to want for myself — leaving me in a state of stillness. And with stillness comes thought.

There was one time when I was about 11 that my mum caught me talking to a boy on Bebo and went through all our messages. I wanted the ground to swallow me up and begged and prayed to my God to turn back time so this would never have happened. Til this day, I truly believe my prayers were answered and I jumped timelines because when I next saw my mum, nothing was mentioned. As though it didn’t happen. I lived life as though it didn’t happen. I haven’t used that power again since but with regrets seemingly being the theme of my late night/early morning spiral, I think I could right now if I wanted to.

I’m feeling guilty about how I treated someone I was in a relationship with both in the relationship and, potentially — accidentally, for some time after. Even recently, maybe. I can see that for me to have been a better me in that relationship, I would’ve had to be a completely different person with a completely different upbringing or self-concept that would afford me the emotional regulation and impulse control that would prevent me from making the mistakes I did.

Maybe in that timeline I would either not be neurodivergent or it would have been discovered and nurtured at a young age. I would’ve had to have a more hopeful and less fearful view of love that would make me more considerate and truly vulnerable. Even my conception would be different in that timeline. I wouldn’t be me at all and so I make peace with my less-than-perfect role in his life and I release and send love to myself for being exactly who I was born to be in such circumstances. And while fear often took over me and ruled many of my actions, I really wanted to love and be loved.

I look back and see so many “should haves”. I should have pushed my parents to let me take extracurricular AP maths I was offered outside of primary school instead of not wanting to bother them. I should have studied business in uni and joined the debating society and kept debating. I shouldn’t have met up with my ex-friend’s brother in their older brother’s house. I shouldn’t even have gone to the party where we met. I should have stayed home and never let him know me. I should have continued with therapy in second year. I shouldn’t have dated that guy or that one or that one. I should have known I was the only one that could give me everything I was searching for in other people.

Suffering is a choice and whatever it is I’m doing to myself right now, I don’t deserve. The path of the should was always going to elude me. Jumping timelines would mean switching bodies, histories, friends, love. In loving the life I now lead, I must love the path that brought me here. I must make peace with every decision a younger and less knowledgeable version of myself made. I did the best I could with what I had in spite of the triggers that “protected me”.

I chose to do everything I could to be ruled by my true desires and not these triggers. I got myself assessed for ADHD and have gotten the care I need and deserve. I dropped friends who did not love me and became the person that could attract friends that do. In the lesson of life, I showed up for class everyday wanting to be better. Wanting to treat people better. Wanting to treat myself better. Wanting more than what I was born with.

And so once again I’m in this stillness. And I will not insult myself by disparaging my past and every gift it gave me. I release all shame, regret and anger and I give every version of me love and grace. I release the past, I release that version of me that I’ll never meet. That version even timeline jumping can’t bring me to. That I wouldn’t even want it to. I’ll take all of me exactly as I am.

…

I came on my period earlier today actually so it might also be that.

Subscribe now

I cheated a bit by including this and I can’t take credit here but our family successfully pulled off a surprise for my longest and closest friend (pictured below). She was stupefied to say the least. Wishing her the best on her new journey as she takes on Ozzy 🇦🇺. (Anytime I look the flag up I myself am stupefied at how many countries still have the UK’s flag in their flag??)

Sunday 11th August

After a long day of being drained by my niece and nephew ie. moving my body for more than 2 hours through play, I earned the best meal known to man. The establishment however, as always, had me feeling like a mug because of their crap service. This is the same place that used to have a sign saying “respect yourself” on their door. What is the cost of self-respect?

Monday 12th August

Sunflowers to match the gorgeous weather the UK blessed us with this week. Anytime I remember them, fear runs through my body because I didn’t have a vase long enough to hold them in and counted on the water weight to hold them down. I need to go check on them…

Tuesday 13th August

“The worst thing that ever happened to human females was the love brainwashing. Love does nothing for us. But love makes us do everything for men. It's tragic. N***a a piss poor mate but you in "love" though. If you actually had to depend on him it would be lights out for you.

I can't stress this enough even literal insects have mating requirements for males who desire to breed. How is it that female bugs have more requirements of their males than women.”

-my favourite (private) twitter user

Wednesday 14th August

If getting 8 hours of sleep every night, 10k steps daily, reduced alcohol and my current vitamin spread doesn’t help with memory then I might try lion’s mane. As you can see I had nothing better for Wednesday. Hope it’s useful still, 30g seemed to be the optimal.

Thursday 15th August

Woke up at 6am and felt the urge to do my morning pages in the crisp and gentle stillness. I had nothing but gratitude in my heart remembering that I didn’t bring myself here. Every step I’ve taken so far on my journey has been by chance and at the mercy of something greater than me. All I can do is listen, become more of myself and love more of myself and others. I can enjoy the journey, go through the emotions associated with pessimism and optimism (because life is going to life) but ultimately I’ve got to be.

Friday 16th August

I received the first moodboard for my consultancy Koie’s branding project. I’m still in the process of digesting it but I decided to google “koi fish lore”:

“In Japanese culture, the koi is a symbol of luck, prosperity, good fortune, perseverance, determination, and courage in the face of adversity. The koi’s migration upstream through waterfalls is compared to the strength and ferocity of samurai warriors, and when caught, the koi’s stoic acceptance of its fate is similar to how a samurai would honourably accept their fate. “

Saturday 17th August

Best friend has officially moved to the other side of the world. How crazy is that?

Sunday 18th August

I’m not a hypergamy babe but I do believe love for me should inspire a man to move mountains, catch the stars etc etc. Consequently, I’m forced to ask myself how hard am I actually going for myself? How hard am I working to do what I gotta do to get where I gotta get?? And so we have the second screenshot which was also a firm word from my therapist and astrology reading on Tuesday. As someone who is very intuitive and naturally goes with the flow, how do I implement strategy? I found my answer today. I can be receptive to life and still have a sense of direction. Discipline, organisation, communication. Because I really love me. It’s more than a crush.

Enjoy your week and keep letting love inspire you,

Valerie ♡

Today, however, I’ve woken up to this perfect view and done nothing but cry. I had come on this holiday thinking that it would be the start of another hiatus; something I’d done December last year until April this year as a solution to the negativity I had been carrying. Coming from a full family home and having always lived with housemates in adulthood, I was so sure that I would fall in love with total isolation. I pride myself on being good on my own; “I don’t need people, their help nor their approval” and I probably look down on people who are more dependant.

By day 2 I knew that while I do not need people, I enjoy sharing life with others. I wrote in my journal “INFPs are the most extroverted of the introverts” and yes, while I do need a lot of time on my own and extraversion with the wrong people can be draining; when I idealise a better life, I dream of the world. At the core of the societal systems I hope to improve are people. I enjoy observing human behaviour and hearing the stories that have influenced the people they are and the paths they’ve taken.

I would go as far as saying that it’s a gift; a natural instinct to try to understand even when doing so might be unwise, conclusions of which I am more often than not correct in (and part of it is a learned hyper-vigilance of others and their moods). The second I had these thoughts, in the song I was listening to “Only Love Can Wait” Cleo Sol sang, “You have a gift inside so why are you hiding?”. That was my plan. Not take any more negativity in from socials. Do business and '“make moves in private”. Share with close ones who truly care. Why be a part of this world where I have to enforce boundaries and exercise restraint and learn relationship management skills when I can just build my own, fill it with people I already trust, close the borders and hide? A great plan which it seems Cleo knew would never fulfil me.

Yesterday, I had a very simple 3rd day here; went for a walk, took pics, got food, read, came home got ready and then chilled because I couldn’t force myself to go out. As this was meant to be a resting holiday, I hadn’t done any shopping until the early hours of Tuesday -two days before my 6am flight, when I came to my senses and ordered a bunch of things in a hurry and at the mercy of next day shipping. They all came quite early on Wednesday yet my brain was more concerned with speaking to my friends on the phone and then laughing with my housemates, then entertaining a guest and hours before I would have to leave my flight, I began properly packing. Thankfully, I learned from all the flights I’ve missed this year and left more than enough time.

When I got dressed yesterday and I had somehow bought a khaki bikini and a lime straw tote bag that went perfectly with the green-printed top that I had somehow wrapped into a cute dress, I was happy with myself. There is something in me, something innate that longs for the opportunity to create and is good at it. During my walk, I came across a stone pathway that extended to the sea. With no one to stop me, I walked all the way out to the very end; set up my camera and tripod and spent over an hour being both the artist and the muse.

I was reminded of all the cameras I have owned throughout my life, my love for music videos and cinematography. I was reminded of how my one ambition in primary school was to be America’s Next Top Model. “Tyra prepared me for this”, I laughed to myself as I used my bare feet to climb huge, slimy, dangerous boulders. I didn’t leave without three cuts to my shin from a slip that will probably scar which prompted me to look at the others. And I was reminded that in my childhood, both in Nigeria and less so here, I was this tomboy who loved playing outside and was always climbing something or going somewhere.

And yesterday night, although I would end up not going out, after getting dressed up and the look coming together so well: exploring artistry through makeup when I’ve been saying “I’m a simple makeup girl”, styling my dress, hair and jewellery with the only goal of it being me; I cried and cried and cried and as the sun sits lower in this Cypriot sky I am crying again. And I’m crying because it pains me that so much of what I carry isn’t recognisable as me. I have not been myself for a long time.

My corporate job, the reason I booked this holiday in the first place to get a break from, has stripped me of the confidence I have in myself, in who I am and in my ability. I only know that I am a good designer because of the new project I’ve been working on with my business partner and the pride we both have in the brand strategy I facilitated us creating and the brand identity that I designed. Over 12 months of festering anxiety has become paranoia of them judging any part of me I fail to hide and using it against me and I have been projecting this same sentiment on the world. This time I’ve been away from work has been the closest I have gotten to remembering who I am and it pains me that I’ve drifted so far away from myself.

When I return home I begin a new journey; washing this mask off my face and ridding myself of all anxiety, fear and paranoia and as the sun sets over the Mediterranean Sea, earlier than it does in London, I am so sure that I was brought here alone to remember who I am. And who I intend to be as I once again do the things I enjoy and live a life I love; perfectly crafted for me, by me.

I can say with 99.999% certainty that everyone can relate to the last two years being times of huge change and transformation. The people we are now are not the same as who we were before February 2020 and there’s no going back. It has been a time of immense growth for me. In terms of my career, I’m on a path that I’m more sure of and have a wide range of options as to where it can go. What I’m more proud of is who I have become and how well my mental health is doing. I’ve developed a true love for myself. Real self-love. Real self-respect. Real boundaries. Real standards. Real confidence.

While I’m proud of who I am, I’d be lying if I said it has been easy. I have lost a lot. When you change, the world doesn’t always adapt with you. Everyone is on their own journey and may not be able to meet you where you are. Things that you accepted before, perhaps because it didn’t bother you, now upset your spirit. They become things you can no longer ignore. The result? Unrest. Discord. Division.

As someone who finds it hard to let people in, I find it even harder to let people go. My astrology babes will know that the sign cancer is represented by the crab -a creature that loves its home so much it wraps it in a hard, protective shell and carries it on its back. Travelling is everything to me so I certainly don’t believe that home is a place either.

Home is where you feel safe and the people around you that provide you with that safety. The people you trust to be yourself around and to make you feel understood. What can happen when you haven’t created that safety for yourself within yourself first and foremost is you let in and hold onto people that were good for a certain version of you and become so attached that you refuse to let them go. They’re not bad, unloving people; just no longer good for who you are now.

You have to create your home within yourself first -provide yourself with love, understanding and acceptance that stays with you, whether you’re in a room full of people or alone in an empty house. As I’ve gotten closer to this point, some people no longer fit into this new environment as hard as I tried to make them and as painful as it is it’s important to exert new boundaries and restructure.

I’ve accepted that I’m a sensitive person that needs to be handled with care. I’ve accepted that I’m a words of affirmation babe that randomly tells my people how much I love them multiple times in a week. I’ve accepted that the innate knowledge of how my people feel about me doesn’t mean I still don’t want to hear it. I accepted that I have a great gut and I’m learning how to trust it more and when something doesn’t feel right it’s because it isn’t. I’ve accepted that I’m the person that needs to address problems directly and thoroughly in an environment where my feelings will not be invalidated to be able to truly get over them.

The great thing about rebuilding my home over the last two years has been what it has attracted. A new tribe that is more reflective of myself, my needs and all that I have come to accept about who I am. Opportunities that better suit me. Community I thrive in. Freedom to be all of myself all of the time.

I’m not someone that forgets which is what makes it so hard to let people go. I remember the loyalty I’ve been shown. The love and assurance I got when I needed it the most. All of the good times spent and memories shared. But we can’t make homes out of memories and live in them. Over time the reality of the broken home would stain them anyway. We must learn to detach, dust ourselves off and rebuild. It’s the only way we’ll continue to grow.

It’s when you get older, unless you’re heavily privileged, that you realise that there are systems actively working against both your platform and your plan. You also realise that the world is very ugly. There are people who don’t value humanity. Who would put their own personal gain over human life. There are enough resources to end poverty, homelessness, child hunger and nothing is done because extreme wealth for a small, white few requires extreme desolation of indigenous, brown and black people. And these people only want more.

One of my primary motivations for success as a child, apart from helping my own family out, was making a real impact on those with less than me but when you see that the very charities that purport to help children in need are more often than not part of the problem, it’s very sickening! It’s been hard for me to find motivation as an adult because the world doesn’t make sense! What exactly am I doing this all for?

I really wanted to have some sort of hopeful message to leave my readers in good spirits but I’ll be honest this is still where I’m at. I’m left questioning what the point is of doing good when structures are built to keep people in bad situations. When we can all see that our taxes should not be spent on military when there are children starving and student doctors and nurses are paying to be provided an education as if the world wouldn’t go to shit without them, when we know the things we need, food, clothing and shelter are rights we all should have considering none of us actually had a decision to be here yet it’s something we have to “work hard” for.

Where I’m at is to work so I can live good with the people I love, careful not to become greedy like the people making the world harder than it needs to be for others. I speak out where I can, fight the battles that make sense to fight. Give where I can directly to those who need it especially Go Fund Me’s. Elevate the people who have it in them to do the hard work at the front lines and those who are doing the reading and the writing that could one day open people’s minds to what the world could be. It’s all I can do right now.

I would love to know what exactly it is you’re living for. What motivates you? Or are we all running this rat race aware that it doesn’t make sense but hoping there is a bigger plan at work? I need to know so @ me or message me. See you in two weeks!

While I’ve been pretty introverted and shy for most of my life, the anxiety — like many other people, started in uni. Part of this was due to the newness of everything; a new city with none of my friends, new dynamics and surrounded by people and academics that I felt I had to prove myself to. I would overthink every conversation, interaction and every assignment. Some of the thoughts I would have sound so silly to me now but they would genuinely devastate me. “Oh no there was a typo in that email. That lecturer is going to think I’m stupid and have this mindset when marking all my assignments”… Things like that amongst more serious and intrusive thoughts.

Uni was such a bad experience for me that on the day of my graduation, after not being on campus in four months, I had a full on panic attack. You can definitely see that my smile doesn't reach my eyes in all the pics! This article won’t address panic attacks or anything on the extreme side of anxiety. The best thing for anxiety is to seek professional help because of how devastating and crippling it can be. What I will explore are the genuine eureka moments that now help my day to day. It’s still something I battle with but my quality of life has greatly improved and I want to share how with as many people as possible.

Here we go…

1. Sonder — you are the main character in your story, everyone is the main character in theirs. Nobody cares and as harsh as it sounds, this is a good thing. Just as complex as your life is with multiple storylines and a host of characters, so is everyone elses. A conversation you have with someone where you’re anxious about what you’ve said and how you’ve come across is probably one of twenty other conversations they’ll have in a day. Combined with their other tasks, worries, goals and responsibilities, dissecting everything you’ve said, or your hair or clothes or speech impediment etcetera etcetera is probably the last thing on their mind. One day while obsessing over a conversation I just had I thought to myself, imagine the other person is doing the same thing… Imagine I was stressed out over what they thought of me, meanwhile they were equally stressed out over what I thought of them. I haven’t dissected them at all so why would they dissect me? It’s been a lot easier to let conversations go since I had this epiphany and I’ve felt more at ease since.

2. Think about how kind you are and project that onto everyone else. Most people are actually very kind. As much as the media portrays the world as evil and there definitely are wicked people out there, most people you meet on a day to day are quite decent. I mean you are, right? If someone fell in front you, your first instinct would more than likely be to help them out and hope they’re okay. Even if it’s to laugh, that might be because the timing is a bit comedic rather than it be from a malicious place. If you were an interviewer, you would expect an interviewee to be nervous and not say everything completely correctly and so would give them some grace, right? Assume the same from others where you can. Not to say leave your walls completely unguarded but give people grace to act their best within the boundaries you set for them.

3. What people think about you is none of your business. I covered this more extensively in the article I wrote about boundaries but you can only control your own actions, inactions and thoughts. What others think of you and the problems they may have with you have nothing to do with you until they’ve been voiced. Free yourself from the shackles of guessing games that you can’t win and have no prize.

4. People forget. Even the most scandalous stories only have a limited amount of time to live in people’s minds. Think about a truly shocking situation you’ve heard about somebody else. When was the last time you even thought about it before now? How much do you care? Exactly. Even when things go wrong it’s not the end of the world. It is never as bad as it feels in that moment. Life goes on.

5. Don’t assume, ask! This one I’ve only started doing in the last six months and as simple as it is, it’s greatly helped my relationships and friendships. I saw a tweet that said “would you rather disappointment from clarity or disappointment from an assumption?”. Often along with the disappointment, there’s the stress and turmoil of figuring out if it’s true or not; looking for more “evidence” to back this assumption up, creating a bigger story, upsetting yourself. The best way to get clarity is to simply ask. More time the truth is not as bad as the story you’ve created in your head. And if you don’t trust that the person you’re asking is going to tell you the truth or is going to scold you for asking a simple question, you need to reevaluate that relationship as a whole. How they feel about you asking is none of your business. You’ve done what you had to do for your own sanity.

6. What are people going to do? Ask yourself what the consequences and the worst case scenario would be. “I’m eating alone in a restaurant” — and? “People will think I have no friends” — AND? Even with bigger fears, the potential consequences are never that bad and are often unrealistic. This exercise also helps you get to the root of your fears. When I would be anxious over submitting assignments in uni, in hindsight the worst case scenario for me was that I get a bad grade, fail my course, not get a degree and my parents would be disappointed, hate me and disown me. Unrealistic as that is, my true fear was that love from my parents was contingent on how well I did in uni which makes sense as my identity was rooted in how well I did in school for much of my life (I’ve never made this connection until writing this). When I opened up to them about this years later they affirmed that they would always love me no matter what, which has greatly relieved a lot of my childhood-related anxiety.

7. Will this person, situation or conversation matter in 5 hours/days/years? Think about something you did or said once that made you cringe really badly. How did it affect your life long-term? Did it affect your life at all even. I’ve learned to expedite the may the ground open and swallow me up feeling. Feel what you feel but if that is causing you pain I’d recommend learning this skill. Put yourself where you’ll be in an hour, a day or a year when you know you won’t care about this embarrassing moment and walk in that.

8. Challenge your thoughts and ask for evidence (CBT tip). When you have intrusive, self-depreciating thoughts that have you doubting yourself and feeling imposters syndrome, challenge them. Literally put these thoughts on trial. I’m going to get a bad grade in this assignment. What is the evidence for that? You’ve completed many assignments before and gotten to this point, why would this one be any different? Your thoughts influence behaviour and action which reaffirm your feelings which reinforce your thoughts. To get out of this cycle you must first change your thought patterns. This is easier said than done of course. Sometimes it helps to remember that there are people with less talent than you in the positions you want to be in and the only difference between you and them is that they don’t go through this destructive cycle. All that’s left to do is to work on changing it.

9. Everybody is winging life. If you get quite anxious about your future just remember that no one has all the answers even if it looks like they do. Some people just have more resources and knowledge at their disposal. They weren’t born knowing what to do. You’re free to make mistakes, pivot your career and create the life you want. Separately, you didn't sign up for this in the first place. You didn’t beg to be here on earth so why should you feel pressure to achieve certain things that you’re told is the standard to achieve. We’re literally put on here and given a list of things to achieve in order to feel “accomplished”. Do you know how random that is? Decline that and live life for you by your own standards.

10. Rate yourself! Increasing your self esteem over time through different avenues will increase your belief in yourself, in what you deserve and your expectations from other people. You deserve to have healthy interactions with people that respect you as a human being and care about you. You deserve to expect that you’ll receive the best from people. You deserve to expect that when you fall people will want to pick you up. You deserve to expect that when you make a mistake people will graciously correct you in love. You deserve to know that your value is not based on whether you succeed or fail.

There are probably more tips but I think ten is a good, round number to finish on. I’m also starting the book Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Made Simple by Seth J. Gillihan soon, kindly gifted to me by @jmulannn which I know will have loads more helpful tips from a cognitive behavioural perspective. Do the thought exercises I mention anytime you start to feel anxious about something. My tips have honestly really helped me and I’ve gotten to the place where nobody can tell me anything about myself. Braces also helped.

@ me on instagram and twitter @valerieoyiki and tell me what you think about this article and if any of these tips help you.

One of my goals for 2021 is to get back into both reading and writing, interests of mine that I left behind as I focused on getting into university. Rather than raise my blog from the dead, I hope to update my corner of Medium with think-pieces, case studies and book reviews starting with Boundaries by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

To put simply, boundaries represent physical and emotional limits that you don’t want other people to cross. They help to define who you are, what you accept and what you do not allow. They give you control over what is yours to control and allow you to give others space to take responsibility for what is theirs to be responsible for. The topic of boundaries has constantly surfaced over the last two years as familial, romantic, work and platonic relationships have shown me that I indeed struggle with boundary setting.

For reasons that originate from my childhood that I probably need to discuss with a therapist, I often believe that I can not only take on my own emotional, financial and mental responsibilities but those of my family members, friends and romantic partners too because “I can handle it”. I have taken on projects that I frankly do not have the time for because “if I don’t do it, they won’t be able to get it done”. Rather than the feeling of contentment that you get when you do things willingly, out of love, I am left feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

If you’re hearing this for the first time and can relate, this is not a way to live! It is neither healthy nor sustainable and you will find yourself burnt out, blowing up at your loved ones and getting increasingly unhappy and isolated as you struggle to balance what isn’t yours to bear. I’d like to make a disclaimer that if you are not a Christian you might find the constant Bible references unbearable but if you are it’s great to have backing from scripture. I’m about seven chapters in but I’ll give a brief overview of the points that have resonated with me so far but I would still recommend giving this book a read to flesh everything out.

1. Boundaries reveal the seriousness of the respect you have for yourself. When we spread ourselves thin by taking on other people’s responsibilities or letting others control us, we disrespect our bodies, our time, our energy, our desires and our autonomy. We are telling ourselves that our wants and needs are not a priority. A person who truly loves themselves does not bend at every whim at their own expense. We should aim to do what we can and respectfully decline what we can’t. Take care of yourself. It isn’t possible to pour from an empty cup.

2. Communicating our thoughts to others is a key part of boundary setting. We can’t expect people to read our minds. Conversely, we cannot spend energy trying to anticipate the needs of another person or attempting to figure out what’s going on in their head. We torture ourselves when we overanalyse how others perceive us and our actions. Frankly, if people have a problem with us, they should tell us. Communication gives us the space to share our needs with others and gives them the chance to meet us there or not. In their actions people reveal exactly how they feel about us. What other people think of you is none of your business. How they treat you, however, is everything.

3. When parents teach children that saying no or setting boundaries is wrong, they are saying that others can do with them as they please. What we learn in childhood, we carry with us in adulthood. If you had parents that did not recognise your autonomy, you will allow the same in your adult relationships. Childhood is the time to teach children that they are their own people, deserving of respect and capable of creating their own mental, emotional and physical space in the world that they have complete control over. While sometimes, as a parent, you will be on the receiving end of a hard boundary (which may hurt your feelings), this is better than having a child who lives to please others, ignoring their own needs.

4. Robbed of responsibility you will die. On the other hand there are parents who absolve their children of all responsibility, taking it on as their own (out of unresolved guilt usually) instead of teaching their children that their actions have consequences. They create irresponsible people who believe that their daily load is for others to carry. These people, ill-equipped for life, will either force others with weak boundaries to do their bidding or simply not be able to cope and will constantly need saving by whoever is available to save them (usually the same guilt-ridden parents). An example of this is Lynn and Joan’s relationship in Girlfriends. Joan enables Lynn to live life without responsibility. When we step in for others and take on their consequences, we enable them to believe there are none which is not how life works.

5. Having and enforcing boundaries does not make you selfish. We should aim to do things out of compassion not sacrifice, because we want to not because we have to. Our emotions serve a purpose. They are there to tell us how something affects us in the moment. If we do things because we feel guilty we need to ask ourselves why and address the root of the feeling. Are you lacking in other areas and ignoring your boundaries to make up for it? Continuously bending over, doing things we don’t really want to do, only builds feelings of resentment which result in outbursts and meltdowns as our bodies become overwhelmed with the feeling of danger a continuous crossing of boundaries create. Doing things for others should give us joy not have us wanting to snap!

6. Abuse reverses boundaries; you keep in what is bad for you and keep out what could be good for you. As humans, we feel safe in environments we are used to. Those of us who grew up around chaos may not always be comfortable with peace. This is not a conscious process. Additionally, when we suffer from the trauma that physical, psychological, emotional, financial, verbal and sexual abuse create we put up boundaries that cannot differentiate as to whether something could be good for us or not. In isolating ourselves to avoid being vulnerable again, we keep the good that could potentially help us out while keeping the familiar but hurtful emotions in. Changing these survival instincts is a very long and arduous process even with therapy but is so worth it for the healthier mindset and relationships that follow.

7. Compliants, controllers, avoidants and non-responsive. Compliants have trouble saying no and can’t set boundaries. Controllers have trouble hearing no and can’t respect other peoples’ boundaries. Avoidants cannot receive help, care and love from others as they do not believe they need it or are deserving of it. Non-responsive people (narcissists in extreme cases) set boundaries against showing love; their partners and friends often work endlessly to “earn” a love they’ll never receive. People with healthy boundaries say no to things they don’t want to do, don’t force their will onto others, ask for and accept help when they need it and can show love and gratitude to others. Which one of these people are you?

8. Codependent relationships. Relationships between the types of people mentioned in the above are often codependent to varying degrees. The compliant avoidant desperately seeks validation from the controlling non-responsive, dropping all their boundaries in their efforts to do the impossible. Effort that isn’t reciprocated. One person overextends and over compensates while the other rejects and shifts the goalposts of what they deem worthy. Compliants and avoidants can also be controllers but rather than using aggression they emotionally manipulate and emotionally blackmail, using their service as leverage to guilt another person into doing what they want. These attachment types are unhealthy and toxic and only become worse over time.

9. You cannot change others. We cannot love, help, beg, cry, guilt, emotionally blackmail, emotionally manipulate, or force other people into loving and respecting us. The only thing we have control of is ourselves. We must change our own actions and reactions and create boundaries so that other people’s destructive patterns no longer work on us. They might be unable to deal with it and leave or they might adapt. We can’t control the outcome. Doing this, however, ensures we have peace within ourselves no matter the outcome.

10. Your boundaries with yourself (discipline) determines the boundaries you will have with others. It is easy to go along with what others want when we ourselves don’t know what we want. If you were to create a schedule that considers all your goals and desires for yourself and have the discipline to stick with it you would be less likely to take on responsibility beyond what your schedule allows. Take the time to figure out exactly who you are. What do you like? What do you want for yourself? What do you want your relationships to look like? When we know ourselves, we are better able to set boundaries that protect us.

Useful links

• Black Therapists in Ireland

• The Mind Geek

• The Holistic Psychologist

• Celutions UK

• Black Female Therapists (American)

• Buy this book on Amazon (affiliate link)

• Listen on Audible (affiliate link)

• Download epub (free)

• Listen to audiobook (free)