‘boundaries: when to say yes and how to say no’, a review
One of my goals for 2021 is to get back into both reading and writing, interests of mine that I left behind as I focused on getting into university. Rather than raise my blog from the dead, I hope to update my corner of Medium with think-pieces, case studies and book reviews starting with Boundaries by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
To put simply, boundaries represent physical and emotional limits that you don’t want other people to cross. They help to define who you are, what you accept and what you do not allow. They give you control over what is yours to control and allow you to give others space to take responsibility for what is theirs to be responsible for. The topic of boundaries has constantly surfaced over the last two years as familial, romantic, work and platonic relationships have shown me that I indeed struggle with boundary setting.
For reasons that originate from my childhood that I probably need to discuss with a therapist, I often believe that I can not only take on my own emotional, financial and mental responsibilities but those of my family members, friends and romantic partners too because “I can handle it”. I have taken on projects that I frankly do not have the time for because “if I don’t do it, they won’t be able to get it done”. Rather than the feeling of contentment that you get when you do things willingly, out of love, I am left feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
If you’re hearing this for the first time and can relate, this is not a way to live! It is neither healthy nor sustainable and you will find yourself burnt out, blowing up at your loved ones and getting increasingly unhappy and isolated as you struggle to balance what isn’t yours to bear. I’d like to make a disclaimer that if you are not a Christian you might find the constant Bible references unbearable but if you are it’s great to have backing from scripture. I’m about seven chapters in but I’ll give a brief overview of the points that have resonated with me so far but I would still recommend giving this book a read to flesh everything out.
Boundaries reveal the seriousness of the respect you have for yourself. When we spread ourselves thin by taking on other people’s responsibilities or letting others control us, we disrespect our bodies, our time, our energy, our desires and our autonomy. We are telling ourselves that our wants and needs are not a priority. A person who truly loves themselves does not bend at every whim at their own expense. We should aim to do what we can and respectfully decline what we can’t. Take care of yourself. It isn’t possible to pour from an empty cup.
Communicating our thoughts to others is a key part of boundary setting. We can’t expect people to read our minds. Conversely, we cannot spend energy trying to anticipate the needs of another person or attempting to figure out what’s going on in their head. We torture ourselves when we overanalyse how others perceive us and our actions. Frankly, if people have a problem with us, they should tell us. Communication gives us the space to share our needs with others and gives them the chance to meet us there or not. In their actions people reveal exactly how they feel about us. What other people think of you is none of your business. How they treat you, however, is everything.
When parents teach children that saying no or setting boundaries is wrong, they are saying that others can do with them as they please. What we learn in childhood, we carry with us in adulthood. If you had parents that did not recognise your autonomy, you will allow the same in your adult relationships. Childhood is the time to teach children that they are their own people, deserving of respect and capable of creating their own mental, emotional and physical space in the world that they have complete control over. While sometimes, as a parent, you will be on the receiving end of a hard boundary (which may hurt your feelings), this is better than having a child who lives to please others, ignoring their own needs.
Robbed of responsibility you will die. On the other hand there are parents who absolve their children of all responsibility, taking it on as their own (out of unresolved guilt usually) instead of teaching their children that their actions have consequences. They create irresponsible people who believe that their daily load is for others to carry. These people, ill-equipped for life, will either force others with weak boundaries to do their bidding or simply not be able to cope and will constantly need saving by whoever is available to save them (usually the same guilt-ridden parents). An example of this is Lynn and Joan’s relationship in Girlfriends. Joan enables Lynn to live life without responsibility. When we step in for others and take on their consequences, we enable them to believe there are none which is not how life works.
Having and enforcing boundaries does not make you selfish. We should aim to do things out of compassion not sacrifice, because we want to not because we have to. Our emotions serve a purpose. They are there to tell us how something affects us in the moment. If we do things because we feel guilty we need to ask ourselves why and address the root of the feeling. Are you lacking in other areas and ignoring your boundaries to make up for it? Continuously bending over, doing things we don’t really want to do, only builds feelings of resentment which result in outbursts and meltdowns as our bodies become overwhelmed with the feeling of danger a continuous crossing of boundaries create. Doing things for others should give us joy not have us wanting to snap!
Abuse reverses boundaries; you keep in what is bad for you and keep out what could be good for you. As humans, we feel safe in environments we are used to. Those of us who grew up around chaos may not always be comfortable with peace. This is not a conscious process. Additionally, when we suffer from the trauma that physical, psychological, emotional, financial, verbal and sexual abuse create we put up boundaries that cannot differentiate as to whether something could be good for us or not. In isolating ourselves to avoid being vulnerable again, we keep the good that could potentially help us out while keeping the familiar but hurtful emotions in. Changing these survival instincts is a very long and arduous process even with therapy but is so worth it for the healthier mindset and relationships that follow.
Compliants, controllers, avoidants and non-responsive. Compliants have trouble saying no and can’t set boundaries. Controllers have trouble hearing no and can’t respect other peoples’ boundaries. Avoidants cannot receive help, care and love from others as they do not believe they need it or are deserving of it. Non-responsive people (narcissists in extreme cases) set boundaries against showing love; their partners and friends often work endlessly to “earn” a love they’ll never receive. People with healthy boundaries say no to things they don’t want to do, don’t force their will onto others, ask for and accept help when they need it and can show love and gratitude to others. Which one of these people are you?
Codependent relationships. Relationships between the types of people mentioned in the above are often codependent to varying degrees. The compliant avoidant desperately seeks validation from the controlling non-responsive, dropping all their boundaries in their efforts to do the impossible. Effort that isn’t reciprocated. One person overextends and over compensates while the other rejects and shifts the goalposts of what they deem worthy. Compliants and avoidants can also be controllers but rather than using aggression they emotionally manipulate and emotionally blackmail, using their service as leverage to guilt another person into doing what they want. These attachment types are unhealthy and toxic and only become worse over time.
You cannot change others. We cannot love, help, beg, cry, guilt, emotionally blackmail, emotionally manipulate, or force other people into loving and respecting us. The only thing we have control of is ourselves. We must change our own actions and reactions and create boundaries so that other people’s destructive patterns no longer work on us. They might be unable to deal with it and leave or they might adapt. We can’t control the outcome. Doing this, however, ensures we have peace within ourselves no matter the outcome.
Your boundaries with yourself (discipline) determines the boundaries you will have with others. It is easy to go along with what others want when we ourselves don’t know what we want. If you were to create a schedule that considers all your goals and desires for yourself and have the discipline to stick with it you would be less likely to take on responsibility beyond what your schedule allows. Take the time to figure out exactly who you are. What do you like? What do you want for yourself? What do you want your relationships to look like? When we know ourselves, we are better able to set boundaries that protect us.
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