connecting with my senses again

I’ve tasked myself with writing just ten sentences to slowly build back the skill my life once revolved around.

I’ve always been a girl with lots of thoughts that one hundred percent needed to be shared ⎯ certain that no one else could have had these ideas and the world be as it is. To read articles and books and to consume media where wise women diagnosed and wrote prescriptions for the world better than I could, and still not like what I saw when I looked around made me think there was no point. What more could I add and what difference would it make?

I fear that in my attempt to participate in and not analyse life, I’ve blunted my senses and I might now see, feel and care less. I wonder if it’s causal with medicating my ADHD brain. You could not pay me to go back to that consistent fatigue and low mood from feeling the weight of the world but… there was truth.

Neither producing my way into joy nor sitting still long enough to feel it all has worked but maybe believing that I’m here to fix something isn’t a good way to justify my existence. Maybe the world will heal herself should she see herself wounded. There’s both beauty and pain and maybe my role is to express my experience of both. Maybe that’s helping. Maybe that’s the most that can ever be asked of me.