haunted by the "should have"s
In the ones of the AM and I think I'm mourning the life of a version of me that was never going to nor meant to exist.
I’m trying to figure out why I’m so emotional at 1am on an early Thursday morning. The moon (ruler of my emotional world) is in sagittarius which is my first house (my identity) so there’s that. Just before trying to sleep, I attempted to write an autobiographical short story about a girl’s journey from the perspective of her higher self which really got to me. I was reminded of and subsequently re-angered by a violation I was the subject of a few months ago. I’ve been around people from my past recently which has abruptly reminded me of “mistakes” that I really had forgotten.
I keep being reminded of loss; I feel guilty because from the outside looking in this might not be real loss. I haven’t lost a thing but instead placed it somewhere it can (seemingly) easily be picked up again should I wish to while what’s lost to others is, at the very least, inaccessible in this lifetime. What I know is that I either lost it 20 years ago or I never had it in the first place. I’m constantly mourning the loss of something I never even had and how much it has limited my belief that I deserve to have it or anything at all.
I’m keenly aware of the transitional space I’m currently in with no sure idea of what I’m supposed to want for myself — leaving me in a state of stillness. And with stillness comes thought.
There was one time when I was about 11 that my mum caught me talking to a boy on Bebo and went through all our messages. I wanted the ground to swallow me up and begged and prayed to my God to turn back time so this would never have happened. Til this day, I truly believe my prayers were answered and I jumped timelines because when I next saw my mum, nothing was mentioned. As though it didn’t happen. I lived life as though it didn’t happen. I haven’t used that power again since but with regrets seemingly being the theme of my late night/early morning spiral, I think I could right now if I wanted to.
I’m feeling guilty about how I treated someone I was in a relationship with both in the relationship and, potentially — accidentally, for some time after. Even recently, maybe. I can see that for me to have been a better me in that relationship, I would’ve had to be a completely different person with a completely different upbringing or self-concept that would afford me the emotional regulation and impulse control that would prevent me from making the mistakes I did.
Maybe in that timeline I would either not be neurodivergent or it would have been discovered and nurtured at a young age. I would’ve had to have a more hopeful and less fearful view of love that would make me more considerate and truly vulnerable. Even my conception would be different in that timeline. I wouldn’t be me at all and so I make peace with my less-than-perfect role in his life and I release and send love to myself for being exactly who I was born to be in such circumstances. And while fear often took over me and ruled many of my actions, I really wanted to love and be loved.
I look back and see so many “should haves”. I should have pushed my parents to let me take extracurricular AP maths I was offered outside of primary school instead of not wanting to bother them. I should have studied business in uni and joined the debating society and kept debating. I shouldn’t have met up with my ex-friend’s brother in their older brother’s house. I shouldn’t even have gone to the party where we met. I should have stayed home and never let him know me. I should have continued with therapy in second year. I shouldn’t have dated that guy or that one or that one. I should have known I was the only one that could give me everything I was searching for in other people.
Suffering is a choice and whatever it is I’m doing to myself right now, I don’t deserve. The path of the should was always going to elude me. Jumping timelines would mean switching bodies, histories, friends, love. In loving the life I now lead, I must love the path that brought me here. I must make peace with every decision a younger and less knowledgeable version of myself made. I did the best I could with what I had in spite of the triggers that “protected me”.
I chose to do everything I could to be ruled by my true desires and not these triggers. I got myself assessed for ADHD and have gotten the care I need and deserve. I dropped friends who did not love me and became the person that could attract friends that do. In the lesson of life, I showed up for class everyday wanting to be better. Wanting to treat people better. Wanting to treat myself better. Wanting more than what I was born with.
And so once again I’m in this stillness. And I will not insult myself by disparaging my past and every gift it gave me. I release all shame, regret and anger and I give every version of me love and grace. I release the past, I release that version of me that I’ll never meet. That version even timeline jumping can’t bring me to. That I wouldn’t even want it to. I’ll take all of me exactly as I am.
…
I came on my period earlier today actually so it might also be that.
