I rebuilt my home
Personal growth and the painful losses that have come with it.
This was originally published in 2022.
I can say with 99.999% certainty that everyone can relate to the last two years being times of huge change and transformation. The people we are now are not the same as who we were before February 2020 and there’s no going back. It has been a time of immense growth for me. In terms of my career, I’m on a path that I’m more sure of and have a wide range of options as to where it can go. What I’m more proud of is who I have become and how well my mental health is doing. I’ve developed a true love for myself. Real self-love. Real self-respect. Real boundaries. Real standards. Real confidence.
While I’m proud of who I am, I’d be lying if I said it has been easy. I have lost a lot. When you change, the world doesn’t always adapt with you. Everyone is on their own journey and may not be able to meet you where you are. Things that you accepted before, perhaps because it didn’t bother you, now upset your spirit. They become things you can no longer ignore. The result? Unrest. Discord. Division.
As someone who finds it hard to let people in, I find it even harder to let people go. My astrology babes will know that the sign cancer is represented by the crab -a creature that loves its home so much it wraps it in a hard, protective shell and carries it on its back. Travelling is everything to me so I certainly don’t believe that home is a place either.
Home is where you feel safe and the people around you that provide you with that safety. The people you trust to be yourself around and to make you feel understood. What can happen when you haven’t created that safety for yourself within yourself first and foremost is you let in and hold onto people that were good for a certain version of you and become so attached that you refuse to let them go. They’re not bad, unloving people; just no longer good for who you are now.
You have to create your home within yourself first -provide yourself with love, understanding and acceptance that stays with you, whether you’re in a room full of people or alone in an empty house. As I’ve gotten closer to this point, some people no longer fit into this new environment as hard as I tried to make them and as painful as it is it’s important to exert new boundaries and restructure.
I’ve accepted that I’m a sensitive person that needs to be handled with care. I’ve accepted that I’m a words of affirmation babe that randomly tells my people how much I love them multiple times in a week. I’ve accepted that the innate knowledge of how my people feel about me doesn’t mean I still don’t want to hear it. I accepted that I have a great gut and I’m learning how to trust it more and when something doesn’t feel right it’s because it isn’t. I’ve accepted that I’m the person that needs to address problems directly and thoroughly in an environment where my feelings will not be invalidated to be able to truly get over them.
The great thing about rebuilding my home over the last two years has been what it has attracted. A new tribe that is more reflective of myself, my needs and all that I have come to accept about who I am. Opportunities that better suit me. Community I thrive in. Freedom to be all of myself all of the time.
I’m not someone that forgets which is what makes it so hard to let people go. I remember the loyalty I’ve been shown. The love and assurance I got when I needed it the most. All of the good times spent and memories shared. But we can’t make homes out of memories and live in them. Over time the reality of the broken home would stain them anyway. We must learn to detach, dust ourselves off and rebuild. It’s the only way we’ll continue to grow.
