in five nights I found myself in paphos
The solo trip that saved me
I’m sat on a balcony looking at the most perfect view of palm trees and children playing on the beach while the sun engulfs both the Mediterranean Sea and me. I’ve woken up to this perfect vision for the past four days, one locals have told me I should be grateful for as a break from the storms the island had just been experiencing and I am. I’ve been so sure the sun came out of its winter sleep because it knew it’s what I need.
Today, however, I’ve woken up to this perfect view and done nothing but cry. I had come on this holiday thinking that it would be the start of another hiatus; something I’d done December last year until April this year as a solution to the negativity I had been carrying. Coming from a full family home and having always lived with housemates in adulthood, I was so sure that I would fall in love with total isolation. I pride myself on being good on my own; “I don’t need people, their help nor their approval” and I probably look down on people who are more dependant.
By day 2 I knew that while I do not need people, I enjoy sharing life with others. I wrote in my journal “INFPs are the most extroverted of the introverts” and yes, while I do need a lot of time on my own and extraversion with the wrong people can be draining; when I idealise a better life, I dream of the world. At the core of the societal systems I hope to improve are people. I enjoy observing human behaviour and hearing the stories that have influenced the people they are and the paths they’ve taken.
I would go as far as saying that it’s a gift; a natural instinct to try to understand even when doing so might be unwise, conclusions of which I am more often than not correct in (and part of it is a learned hyper-vigilance of others and their moods). The second I had these thoughts, in the song I was listening to “Only Love Can Wait” Cleo Sol sang, “You have a gift inside so why are you hiding?”. That was my plan. Not take any more negativity in from socials. Do business and '“make moves in private”. Share with close ones who truly care. Why be a part of this world where I have to enforce boundaries and exercise restraint and learn relationship management skills when I can just build my own, fill it with people I already trust, close the borders and hide? A great plan which it seems Cleo knew would never fulfil me.
Yesterday, I had a very simple 3rd day here; went for a walk, took pics, got food, read, came home got ready and then chilled because I couldn’t force myself to go out. As this was meant to be a resting holiday, I hadn’t done any shopping until the early hours of Tuesday -two days before my 6am flight, when I came to my senses and ordered a bunch of things in a hurry and at the mercy of next day shipping. They all came quite early on Wednesday yet my brain was more concerned with speaking to my friends on the phone and then laughing with my housemates, then entertaining a guest and hours before I would have to leave my flight, I began properly packing. Thankfully, I learned from all the flights I’ve missed this year and left more than enough time.
When I got dressed yesterday and I had somehow bought a khaki bikini and a lime straw tote bag that went perfectly with the green-printed top that I had somehow wrapped into a cute dress, I was happy with myself. There is something in me, something innate that longs for the opportunity to create and is good at it. During my walk, I came across a stone pathway that extended to the sea. With no one to stop me, I walked all the way out to the very end; set up my camera and tripod and spent over an hour being both the artist and the muse.
I was reminded of all the cameras I have owned throughout my life, my love for music videos and cinematography. I was reminded of how my one ambition in primary school was to be America’s Next Top Model. “Tyra prepared me for this”, I laughed to myself as I used my bare feet to climb huge, slimy, dangerous boulders. I didn’t leave without three cuts to my shin from a slip that will probably scar which prompted me to look at the others. And I was reminded that in my childhood, both in Nigeria and less so here, I was this tomboy who loved playing outside and was always climbing something or going somewhere.
And yesterday night, although I would end up not going out, after getting dressed up and the look coming together so well: exploring artistry through makeup when I’ve been saying “I’m a simple makeup girl”, styling my dress, hair and jewellery with the only goal of it being me; I cried and cried and cried and as the sun sits lower in this Cypriot sky I am crying again. And I’m crying because it pains me that so much of what I carry isn’t recognisable as me. I have not been myself for a long time.
My corporate job, the reason I booked this holiday in the first place to get a break from, has stripped me of the confidence I have in myself, in who I am and in my ability. I only know that I am a good designer because of the new project I’ve been working on with my business partner and the pride we both have in the brand strategy I facilitated us creating and the brand identity that I designed. Over 12 months of festering anxiety has become paranoia of them judging any part of me I fail to hide and using it against me and I have been projecting this same sentiment on the world. This time I’ve been away from work has been the closest I have gotten to remembering who I am and it pains me that I’ve drifted so far away from myself.
When I return home I begin a new journey; washing this mask off my face and ridding myself of all anxiety, fear and paranoia and as the sun sets over the Mediterranean Sea, earlier than it does in London, I am so sure that I was brought here alone to remember who I am. And who I intend to be as I once again do the things I enjoy and live a life I love; perfectly crafted for me, by me.
