Not doing Koie (for now)
I’ve never been more sure that I’m on the right path while being not-so sure of myself. I came up with the idea of Koie Solutions, my design consultancy while founding BGIT which was reinforced again while working at my latest corporate role. The premise being a lot of people who have great ideas need systems and processes to sustain them so that the talented people within these businesses have room to do their thing successfully. There’s so much energy waste when the right questions aren’t being asked of senior management and the business isn’t looked at from a holistic standpoint. A random decision in product isn’t consolidated in marketing and nothing makes sense. Of course in the angst of burnout, I’m going to dream of the perfect escape.
A year later, now that I’m no longer the person who needs that escape, I’m stuck with the plans of a version of myself that no longer exists. The business of Valerie is under new management and we’re confused at what the last people got up to. It’s not necessarily a failure because I didn’t invest too much money or energy into the pursuit. The resistance in fulfilling the plans should’ve been enough to tell me I did not want to do it. I was forcing and shoulding rather than being and wanting. If anything, it’s a huge lesson in awareness and allowing things to flow. I think I’ll eventually get back to it but it’ll be more natural and make a lot more sense when I do. I can’t see the rest of the path but I know I’m on the right one.
Businesses business themselves
On another note, my beliefs on business have evolved. Businesses business themselves. Startups are supposed to be a mess and bureaucracy only gets in the way and delays things. While I thought I was fixing an issue across the board, it was actually me that is not meant for that type of environment. And many people are not me. Businesses, like people, will always be a product of their environment and the people that make them. For every type of culture you’ll find people that thrive. It’s meant to be that way. We can’t all be the same. Like people, they’re not supposed to be perfect, they’re meant to be peculiar. And I think there’s something special about a story unique to a particular business. I’m going to continue reading my books and I’m still building Jolt Club but work wise, I’m working on finding strategies that help my brain and finding more chill, process-driven environments.
Those who can’t do, teach?
With maturity a lot of my delusion has been confronted. I can see the sheer drive and intensity it takes to bring a vision out of your scalp to life and being real, there’s nothing in life I feel that intensely about, especially not so much as to devote my limited energy reserves to. Anytime I have a great idea, and I’m stimulated to bring it to life, the desire lasts 2.5 days max. It feels as though someone else entirely came up with the idea, that’s how detached I feel.
I do believe, however, that that level of intensity and desire is something that needs to be managed. Everywhere looks the same while you’re deep in the water. You might need someone to pull you up every so often and steer you in the right direction. I believe that’s valuable. And I believe I’d be great at it. Something to think about.
Leaving my safety net
The one thing I know I’m meant to do but currently am not is sharing this journey. I’m not meant to be so cocooned and self-involved as I have been over the past 10 years. It’s been necessary to decondition and align myself correctly to the most authentic version but enough. Wrapping myself with myself feels safe until I start suffocating and probably dragging others with me too. Grateful for all who have been bearing with me and me for loving myself.
I’ve done one full year of talk therapy with an amazing therapist and it’s truly been great but again, enough. The most important lessons I needed to learn were emotional regulation and dealing with intrusive, impulsive thoughts when anxious, letting thoughts pass rather than acting on them, my relationships with men and women, and coming to terms with my ADHD diagnosis. There probably is still some work to do but I need to live in order to have something to talk about which requires action not thinking.
I see this blog becoming less sombre. I see myself exploring more topics on wellness, lifestyle, opinion. I see myself writing a lot more. And fulfilling the mission. Gathering all the stories from far and near because they’re all important.
Zero is infinite
Ultimately lack of execution should be scarier than failure. Zero is an exciting place to be. I can do anything; write a book, film a documentary, become an actress. Now that I’ve left corporate and a standard vision of success, the possibilities are endless. Exciting.
Zero doesn’t mean nothing. Zero means energy is there. But it is in a static form. It’s not doing anything, it’s sitting ... I want to intervene and break it and let it to be transformed into things.
Rasheed Araeen
As always thanks for reading,
